In general, I do most things on my own and have done so for many years; the ability to be alone and to be able to fend for myself is something that feels safe to me.
It wasn't my intention to be this way. I am inherently extrovert and thrive off of human interaction, however, circumstances, heartbreaks and disappointments have made me less inclined to be around people. The thought of making an effort with friendships and lovers is exhausting as my nervous system is overwhelmed from the effort I have gone through maintaining these relationships in the past. As a result, my circle is small and I enjoy it because it makes things easier on my body, mind, and spirit.
The fact that I am Ultra Independent does not mean that one day I will stop being independent and let go of control and suddenly accept the assistance of others or ask for help. In other words, it doesn't mean that I'll start building relationships and trusting people right away. Healing does not work that way. Healing involves becoming aware of why I am Ultra Independent; healing the trauma and the fear that stands behind it; and learning how to be vocal about what I need in order to allow others to become closer to me.
Most likely, I will carry my Ultra Independence with me throughout my lifetime, but hopefully I will be more aware of the areas where it hinders my ability to build relationships and feel love and the areas in which it exhausts me. Perhaps with this awareness, it will become easier. It is just a matter of taking one step at a time.
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